Ok…so not really an “ode.” That would require more brain power and creativity than I currently have. Nonetheless, I clearly have a crush on (or obsession with) mustard. I love mustard. Of all kinds. And there are SO many kinds. Seriously, check out the mouth-watering selection at the National Mustard Museum’s (yeah, it’s a thing) store.
Mustard: I’m pretty sure it’s the best condiment. Don’t try to argue with me here…it would be futile.
Wider than the Sky 
Mustard? Mustard? Mustard. Pfft! Mustard is for wimps.
For real taste, and incendiary applications, nothing beats a proper, genuine, real, satay sauce. Not those pathetic, little satay sauces you buy in the supermarkets — I mean the real deal satays that cause anaphylaxis at a range of ninety paces, that singe eyebrows and can double up as WMDs in times of war. The stuff with which protestors can self-immolate. I’m talking satay…
All that mustard does is give you gas… that’s why they used it in WWI. Weaponised flautus? Gimme a break!
Finally, arguing is not futile as you are neither Borg nor Vogon.
Mustard: the girly-man condiment.