I love when the weather gets warmer, and we can actually enjoy our screened-in porch and the deck. We love grilling dinner and sitting under the fans of the porch, just talking. Luckily for us, the weather has been getting warmer, and we’ve been spending more time outside. Of course, this would be much better if the pollen count would decrease just a touch (it was an 11 the other day!), but Flonase, Nasacort, and sometimes an extra push from Benadryl seem to make it tolerable.
But the wasps! Oh, the wasps; nothing I can take will get rid of those pesky boogers–and they terrify me! I cannot enjoy the outdoors at all with them buzzing around threatening to sting me at the least little provocation. I run from them, I duck, I cower, I try not to scream. I hate them.
So the other day, Trent bought this wasp trap:
So far, it has caught nothing. And the stupid wasps are still circling the porch like the evil little predators they are. They’re building a nest. I know they are. I can’t see it, but I know.
Enter Google.
My friend Google, with whom I have a long-standing and beneficial relationship, made some recommendations for catching and deterring wasps.
Google helped me build this:
Now, I try not to judge Google too harshly, since she regularly helps me out, but I’m pretty sure this is just the DIY version of that thing for which Trent paid Home Depot. But whatever. I’ll try it. This is just a two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola with the top cut off and inverted into the bottle. The neck of the bottle is covered in jam. The bottom of the bottle is filled with water and just a few drops of dish soap. The theory is that the wasps will go in for the sweet stuff but be unable to get back out once they’re in. Also, so you don’t just have an angry wasp in a plastic bottle, the water will drown them. I think the problem with both of these (and again Google taught me this) is that the sweet stuff they use for luring in the wasps isn’t exactly what the wasps are looking for this time of year. Evidently, right now, they’re just in the mood for other insects. Their craving of sweets (like the jam in my DIY trap) doesn’t start until later in the summer. We shall see if we catch any wasps, though.
Now, since I’ve learned about the eating habits of wasps, I wanted to cover my bases in case both the Home Depot trap and the DIY trap fail. So again I asked my pal Google, who suggested I make a fake nest out of a brown paper bag and put it where I’d like to deter the wasps from building. This is my fake wasps’ nest near the entryway to the porch from the deck:
Looks authentic, doesn’t it? According to Google, wasps are very territorial (that’s why they inject us with their evil venom–they actually think we are threatening them when we all know it’s them threatening us!). So they won’t build a nest where they think one is already nearby. The theory is the fake nest will fool them into going elsewhere. We’ll see about that. I don’t know how smart wasps are.
Of course, I want a back up to my back up plan (because that’s just sort of how I roll–always preparing for the impending doom sure to befall me).
And that’s why I made this wasp deterrent (You can tell it’s not Glade Fabric and Air odor eliminator in that bottle because I wrote “wasp deterrent” with a Sharpie Pen on the bottle):
This is made up of water, cayenne pepper (2 tbsp), and a teeny bit of dish soap (dish soap is apparently lethal to wasps??). It has to sit for 24 hours (no idea why), and then I can spray it all around the places from which I would like to deter wasps. I’ll let you know how that works out.
I hope at least one of these strategies starts to yield results because our old swing kicked the bucket, and Trent bought this new swing (and had it all put together) while I was in Arizona:
And I really want to enjoy it without being dive-bombed by evil wasps. I love swings. He warned me that he wasn’t sure about the color–because he’s seriously color blind, but I think it’s great.
It doesn’t hurt that it matches this pretty wind chime (did I mention that I also love wind chimes?) that I brought back from Arizona:
Finally, this is Penny, who also loves being outside. She, however, is completely unaffected by our not-so-friendly wasps:
It’s because she’s a big bad guard dog. She ain’t scared of nothing, especially a silly ole wasp.
Wider than the Sky 
Two things, Professor:
1. I read about this DIY wasp trap on the Google, too, & my article suggested wrapping tthe trap with something black. Supposedly wasps are attracted to black – maybe because it is the color of DEATH!!!!
2. I know you will not even consider doing this, but since you two are newly-weds and Trent will still be eager to do stuff to please you, he should be willing to do this. (That eagerness to please flags from time to time during the course of a marriage, so make the most of it while you can). This comes from my intense tutelage under the watchful eye of the NC Agricultural Extension Service and I’ve found it to be very correct. IF you wind up with a wasp nest too close for comfort, buy one of those Ortho Wasp and Hornet Killer spray cans – the kind that allows you to stand back 20 feet away and soak the nest with a continuous stream and wait until right before dark to use it – very important, since all of the wasps return to the nest around dark, so you’ll get them all at once. Make sure you have a clear exit path, dispense the contents of the can, and run like a sumbitch! Trent, this bit of wisdom is in return for your generous encouragement and suggestions in helping me make my recent car repairs. BTW, I pulled my intake manifold, dug the crud out of the EGR port and that cleared both the P0401 AND P0420 codes. Go figure. Anyways, if you don’t get stung (you won’t), you’ll thank me for the wasp killing info and your dear wife may plant a big ol’ kiss on the jaw of her live-in hero! (That too, will flag from time to time during the course of the marriage, so make the most…….well, you know.)
LOVE the overdoing it on wasp remedies! Wish I had done any of those in our old house.